In the retirement industry, more specifically the community in which I work, we have a very important rule about not accepting gifts from the residents. Being the type of person who regularly goes (what is considered) above and beyond, when I am done helping the men often take out their wallets and the women try to give me gifts.

It reminds me of my grandmother and the dollar bill that was always tucked in her palm when we would say goodbye after a visit. When I was a kid, my child’s mind instantly started calculating exactly how much candy could be procured with such riches and I accepted the gift with great enthusiasm. What I found really funny/interesting is that the tradition continued well into adulthood.

At the ripe old age of 22, working three jobs with a bank account and credit card of my own, Grandma would still try to slip me a fiver. I would tell her I didn’t need money, I would try to refuse but she never let me away without that $5 in my pocket. Then one day I looked her in the eye and finally understood that giving to me made her feel good, and I promised myself that I would never again try to deny her that pleasure. In fact, I would accept the donation graciously and often call or visit again to let her know what I had used that money for. And that made us both feel good.

With that lesson in mind, it truly does bother me when I cannot accept even the smallest token of appreciation from our residents. However, I work in an industry with vulnerable people, where the balance of “power” is uneven. The residents depend on the staff to take care of their needs; they are at a disadvantage because the staff have an ability to control situations that the residents cannot. Working so close day after day, it is inevitable that we form bonds but it is important that these relationships remain therapeutic and at arms-length.

What it comes down to, I think, is where do you draw the line. Say a resident attendant was to accept a gift, would that resident not subconsciously expect some form of special treatment? And when the resident received special treatment, would they not assume it was offered because of the gift? Say the housekeeper was in a resident’s suite and admired a small figurine on their shelf, which the resident in turn offered as a gift of gratitude for her services, who would they turn to when a pair of diamond earrings are misplaced? Say the resident suffers from dementia and gives away something that was important to a family member, say that family member presses charges or goes to the media or simply tells their friends that this happened, what kind of reputation would the residence have then?

As I explain when the situation arises, because it did yesterday when a lady I printed a travel itinerary for offered me a souvenir from her travels, I do these favours because I want to help, not because I want a reward. I’m already paid for being there and, when you get down to the nitty-gritty, I am there because I am paid, as is everyone else. In fact, in a roundabout way, the resident is the one paying me so I’m already rewarded for the things I do.

Most important to me personally is that I have to practice what I preach. I cannot accept a keychain one minute and then reprimand someone for accepting a scarf or a mug; I cannot receive a gift from one resident after telling another resident that it is improper to give the staff gifts. As a manager, I am aware that some residents slip small tips to their favourite staff members from time to time, but my zero-tolerance stance aids in minimizing these offerings.

Don’t get me wrong, I really wanted that super-cute keychain and I understand giving delights the giver as much as the receiver, but the rule was developed to protect us both and we must respect that.

P.S. If you want to do something nice for an employee who went above and beyond for you, drop a note in the comments box or write a letter for their file. Also, gifts that are inclusive to all staff are a great idea, too… it’s always nice to get a bonus from the boss!