Relationships

Feelings, nothing more than feelings

Beverly Changethelens, Community, Dementia, Friends, Home, Life, Quotes, Relationships, Senior health, Work


I ran into Jane in the hall today. As I was saying hello she told me she wanted to talk, so we sat down together in my office.

Jane has lived with us for just over a year. She is in her early 90s and is one of those women who is beautiful inside and out. She was married for 65 years, raised three children who now have grandchildren of their own.

Jane has dementia. You probably know by now that I find working for people living with dementia fascinating, and Jane is unique in that most people can’t really tell there is anything wrong. She can hold short social conversations, she is kind and welcoming to everyone around her. But her short-term memory has an expiry of mere moments, and that makes her very anxious.

Settling into conversation in my office, Jane was distraught when she told me that she couldn’t “remember anything” and she didn’t know what to do. We have had this conversation a dozen times or more since we met. Jane doesn’t remember, but I do, and I have delicately tested how to respond over time, so today I simply said “I know.”

“Why is this happening?” she asked. And, while dementia is NOT a normal part of aging, it is for Jane, so I responded “because you are getting older and your brain is, too.” I explained how, like her skin is drying and wrinkling, her brain is drying and wrinkling a little, too, making the signals harder to get where they need to be. (There is very little science in this, mind you, just a simplistic way of explaining what is happening.)

“What can I do to make it stop?” was her response.

“Nothing, Jane. And it’s okay. Your life is different now but it is still good. You are a beautiful, kind woman. You have a smile that lights up the room and people feel good when they are around you. That’s all you need to know.”

“Really?” she said with a sigh of relief, assured in the moment.

A few moments later she told me that she was really confused and asked why. I calmly repeated what I had said before as if it was new information (because, to Jane, it was new information).

“But what can I do?” she cried.

“Just keep living your life. Keep putting one foot in front of the other. You are doing okay. You get confused, but most of the things we do every day are instinctual and habitual. There is a whole team of caregivers here to help you, so there are a lot of things you don’t even need to remember. Just live your life and do things that make you smile, we will make sure you are okay and everything will be just fine.”

Please recognize that I believe in individualized care and wouldn’t generally approach someone I didn’t know as I now approach Jane. Although she has no recollection of ever being in my office, the fact is she has sat in the same chair and said the same words many times. I’ve learned from getting to know her and her family that the best thing I can do is calm her anxieties by allowing them to be expressed. I can hold her hand and let her tell me she doesn’t understand over and over until I help her accept, once again, that she is okay.

Maya Angelou told us that people might not remember what we say and do but they’ll remember how we made them feel. People like Jane don’t *remember* how we made them feel. But they still feel it. And, to me, that’s the most important part of all.

Lessons in dementia, and humanity

Beverly Changethelens, Community, Dementia, Life, Relationships, Senior health, Work

When I answered the knock on my office door yesterday morning, I was surprised to see Bill and Thi-Tam on the other side. Bill has been going into most of our third floor suites every day since he moved in last week, including Thi-Tam’s, because he is looking for help. Thi-Tam, a sweet Vietnamese lady who speaks very little English, brought him to me, I’m sure with the hope that I could help them both.

Bill has dementia. Not just getting confused and forgetting things from time to time, he almost resets within moments, so that anything you tell him or do for him is gone from his memory very quickly. He is a kind soul who must now look at the world as a very scary place.

Like I said, Bill was looking for help. He needed someone to help him get home because he didn’t know where he was and, what was even more upsetting, he couldn’t remember his address or how to get there. I asked Bill to sit with me for a minute and explained that he is living with us right now. I told him that his daughter had to go away for a little while and she asked if he could stay in our hotel so she could be sure that he ate well and had someone looking out for him when he feels confused like now. I pointed to my mask and explained that ordinarily his neighbours would come help out because they really care about him, but because of the pandemic people aren’t supposed to go into each other’s houses. And I told him we care about him too and are happy to to share our home with him. (Through interactions with me and other members of our team, I knew his arguments and could be proactive in my explanations.)

As Bill and I walked back to his room, he returned to asking why he couldn’t just go home so I hesitantly explained that sometimes his memory played tricks on him. He asked what I meant so I told him that only a few moments before he had told me he didn’t remember his address – then he stood tall and recited it completely, as if to prove me wrong. (What he actually proved was that the information is still in there, but having dementia means he isn’t able to access it very well anymore.) Again I explained the hotel scenario as I settled Bill back into his chair by the window. It only took a moment before he smiled and told me about all of the accidents and excitement that has been happening in our parking lot below. He told me it had been even worse months ago when there was snow on the ground. I tidied his room and poured him a glass of water as he thanked me for helping him and asked over and over if I would come back and visit. I promised that I would.

When the power went out later in the day, I was checking on the wellbeing of our residents on the third floor and found Bill walking toward Thi-Tam’s room again. I said something like “oops, sorry Bill, I think you have the wrong door” and led him back to his room, pointing at his name on the door sign. We went inside and he told me he had a real problem and needed my help. He told me that a man had come into his room and Bill had offered him money to help him get home, the man took $200 and left. Now Bill was upset that he couldn’t get home and the man had his money. I knew that Bill only had $40 in his wallet (he offered it to me to often during the first few days!), so I asked Bill to describe the man. At first he couldn’t remember but then said he was a little bit shorter than him, with a shirt similar to his and blue jeans like the ones he was wearing. “Of course,” I told Bill, “I know just who you’re talking about.” I said I was pretty sure that the man was downstairs looking for a ride for him and that Bill should stay in his room so the man could be sure to find him when it all got worked out. I had to get back to the power outage situation so I told Bill that I would go see what was taking the man so long, and he gladly let me go.

This is how things have gone over the week that he has been with us: Bill’s anxiety causing him to constantly seek reassurance and comfort; his family struggling with guilt and grief, and most likely a little relief, that they had to accept help when they weren’t able to overpower this awful disease; our residents torn between not wanting a stranger to invade their private space and wanting to help a man in distress; our staff struggling to care for someone who needs a different kind of care than they are used to; and me trying to determine the best course of action while seeking ways to learn and do better next time.

Even though our nurse was as proactive as possible by doing Bill’s initial intake assessment during the time that sundowning (a neurological phenomenon that affects more than half of people living with dementia) is most likely to occur, having a lovely stranger visit his home put him on his best behaviour. As I mentioned above, his challenges go beyond simple forgetfulness but his instinctual self is still in there. There was no way to know for sure before he came, but it is obvious now that our residence isn’t the best place for him; his care needs are more acute than we are able to manage properly. But where do we go from here? Sending him home again would just put the family’s distress back to square one, or worse if this experience caused them to stop asking for help. Bill needs continuous attention, but the list for long term care is several years long. We were advised that we could send him to the hospital so he could go on a crisis list to get into long term care faster, but the upheaval would only increase his anxiety. And if he goes into care they would most likely medically sedate him, when all he wants is comfort and all he really needs is calm.

Being relatively new to the area, I started asking around to see if there were any private memory care communities locally and was surprised to learn that most people didn’t even know what I was referring to, they had only heard of that type of care in a long term care facility. Eventually I learned that our sister community a couple of towns away offers memory care so I called to find out pricing and availability, and then called Bill’s daughter to explain the situation and offer the best solution I could find.

Bill leaves on Monday and, I have to say, I’m going to miss him. In only a week he has already taught me so much. Having recently studied about dementia, the time I spent with Bill really gave those lessons substance. I keep thinking about that much quoted theory that people don’t always remember what you did but they’ll always remember how you made them feel. I think that people who live with dementia might not remember how you made them feel, but the important part is that they will feel it. If you continuously approach with calm, they will feel calm. If you meet them where they are and suggest explanations for the things they don’t understand, they will feel calm. If you practise patience and therapeutic reasoning when they ask the same questions over and over; if, instead of arguing and telling them they are wrong, you go along with their narrative and provide comfort, they will feel calm. And with calm Bill will be able to have conversations and tell stories and laugh again, and he will be okay. He will be different, because his brain doesn’t work as it once did, but he will be okay. And that will have to be okay.

**Published with permission from Bill’s family**

Sister from another mister

Beverly Community, Friends, Life, Relationships, Work

I was working in the administrative office of a local retirement residence when I first learned of her existence. After studying industry tactics in other areas, I decided to approach my boss about getting the residence more involved in the community through working with some local seniors charities or advocacy groups. I was relatively new to the area and watching the local newspapers to see if I could come up with specific ideas.

This one woman kept coming up time and time again. Gwen Kavanagh from CARP Chapter 36 at the flag raising on World Seniors Day; Gwen Kavanagh says Barrie CARP to hold political forums next week; Gwen Kavanagh from CARP talks co-housing. She seemed to be someone who believed in something; someone who would stand up, speak up when it was needed. She was someone I wanted to know.

Unfortunately, my community involvement idea went down in flames. We were the #1 retirement residence in the area, why would we make the extra effort of getting involved in the community?? was the response I got, so I let it go.

Fast forward a few years later, I was doing community relations for a competing residence. It was my first month in the role and I was manning a table with my colleague at a seniors services trade show when I saw CARP on the list of vendors. I grabbed one of my business cards, forced myself to walk up to Gwen’s table (very out of my comfort zone way back then) and introduced myself. She smiled at me and took my card, I didn’t know what I was supposed to say next, so I waited. She suddenly said “Is that really your name?!” It turned out that her cousin was also named Beverly McGrath and had recently passed away. McGrath was her maiden name.

We aren’t related but I always thought that was a cool story. Manifest destiny kind of thing even. What are the chances? And she proved I was right about her dedication as she instantly recruited me to work for her cause and I joined CARP Chapter 36 as the Vice to her Chair. We’ve been friends and colleagues ever since.

Gwen has come in and out of my life several times over the years. She introduced me to two of my all time favourite people (that means you, Molly and Kelly! xx), she has encouraged me in my career, and anticipated new tales about my love life and career strategy during our frequent lunches. She was in the room when I had one of my great life epiphanies (although she didn’t know it), she cheered me on when I made a life altering leap of faith, she welcomed me home when that leap of faith went much differently than expected and, in some ways, she has unknowingly nudged me farther than I would have gone on my own.

Maybe not a lot of people have close friends who are 30 years their senior, but through this friendship I get support and kindness and family and growth. She’s my sister from another mister, my advocate, my mentor, and absolutely 100%, my friend.

Thank you for everything, Gwen. I’m so happy to have you in my life. xo

Yours ’til the kitchen sinks

Beverly Changethelens, Friends, Life, Relationships

A personal positive I have found with this pandemic tailspin is the extra time allowed me to renew my love of reading. I can’t remember a time that I haven’t had a book or three in the works, but this past couple of decades of personal growth has seen mostly non-fiction and text books. There was no time to read for pleasure – I was busy becoming!

I was a real reader when I was a kid. I recall often sitting in a corner of the school library, trying to find something I hadn’t already read. True to form, I usually brought Nancy Drew home but I secretly checked to see what the Hardy Boys were getting up to first. Judy Blume? Was my hero. Then Sweet Valley High to Harlequin to Danielle Steele and beyond as I advanced into my teens.

Romantic love stories became my jam. Everything became about love – it was all I saw. I read so many stories. And I loved loving people so I knew romantic love was going to be A.Mazing! And I wanted it. Oddly enough, Judy Blume’s characters grew up, too, and her stories were so relatable – Forever is one of the few novels that remains on my bookshelf. “I do love you. For now. But I could never say forever.” And I never have. (Because, you know, Wifey!)

My fiction picks evolved as I matured and I got into more mysterious stuff like John Saul and Stephen King. That was when I began going without sleep to finish a book. There was no glory greater than the book I couldn’t put down. In retrospect, I think The Celestine Prophecy significantly altered my life’s course. It was the first time I recall understanding that the concept of the self-fulfilling prophecy, which I had been warned against my whole life, could be used for good. Kind of like “be careful what you wish for because you might get it”… I was, like, okay! I’ll be careful, promise! As I packed my car and headed out west.

The need to read slowed considerably in my late 20s. Love and life were a lot different than I had expected, romance gave way to seven habits and reading became about learning. And I had questions, let me tell you. Why wasn’t I perfect at all times? What was I doing wrong? How could I do better? How could I be better? Surely I would be perfect eventually.

I read about how to make friends and influence people, I read about mars and venus, and I even read a surprising number of books written for dummies. I wasn’t offended. All of these books have value and helped me become the person I am today – tremendously imperfect and I like me just fine! – yet that prophecy I was trying to fulfill took me away from fiction for longer than I realized.

But what I’ve learned during this terrible time of isolation is that a good story can be really good company. Right now I’m reading The Hate You Give and it is so well written that the words on the page make me feel like this woman is sitting across from me and telling a riveting story of the time she witnessed one of her best friends being killed by a cop, and what it felt like to live in her shade of skin through the things that happened after. Very timely. Very enlightening. Very engrossing.

Anyway, while replying to an invitation to a nice, socially distanced B.Y.O.Lunch party my very dear friend is hosting next week, I was signing off and wanting to express my excitement in seeing them and was reminded of a story I read as a kid where pen pals would end their letters in the most silly ways like ‘Yours ’til the kitchen sinks’ and ‘Yours ’til Niagara Falls’. I used to have a lot of fun thinking up my own.

I don’t really know why I’m telling you this. I guess it’s just that, maybe, if you’re lonely, it might feel like I’m sitting across from you and telling a story about how I love to read, and maybe it’ll make you feel a little less alone.

Yours ’til the cookie crumbles,

Bev

Can we talk? It’s important

Beverly Community, Relationships, Senior health

As our population ages, the potential for the mistreatment of older adults is becoming a growing concern. Working with the Prevention of Senior Abuse Network of Simcoe County and Elder Abuse Ontario, I have been committed to spreading the word about elder abuse for several years and I’ve noticed two things that have me worried: 1. in many cases the victims don’t recognize the wrong doing, and 2. no one wants to talk about it.

This year the National Initiative for the Care of the Elderly (NICE) was awarded a New Horizons Grant which they will be using to host workshops and presentations about elder abuse throughout the province. The people from NICE have asked local CARP chapters to assist with this quest and we need your input. Please join us at our September members meeting to talk about what is being done and how we can do better.

CARP Barrie & Surrounding Area Member Meeting

Tuesday, September 17, 2019 at 6:30pm (doors open 6pm)

Sheba Shrine Hall, 142 John Street, Barrie

Mrs. E

Beverly Life, Relationships, Senior health, Work

During our fire drill/evacuation at work yesterday, I finally had the opportunity to spend some quality time with Mrs. E. She calls me the ghost, because she heard so much about me before she came but all but vanished once she arrived (one of the greatest challenges of my job).

At our retirement residence, I am the one you speak with if you are considering retirement living for yourself or a loved one. My role is to be a resource as you begin your search, show you around our residence and introduce you to the lifestyle, and ultimately guide you through the move in process. While one of the challenges of my job is pulling away once that role is fulfilled, it is beyond worth it to me, because I get to meet and help the most amazing people.

Mrs. E is an amazing people. Her niece and great-niece came to me in a near panic many months ago. Their beloved Auntie and Uncle lived nearly five hours away and they recently found out that Uncle has terminal cancer. He was declining quickly and would be leaving behind his wife, a fiercely independent lady who is 82 years old, and blind. Uncle had been Auntie’s primary caregiver for nearly her whole life and he was about to die. They didn’t know what to do, and they didn’t know how much time they had to figure it all out.

Mrs. E and her husband were married for about six decades; they didn’t have children of their own but doted on their sibling’s kids on both sides of the family. They worked together as antiques dealers in a small Ontario town; retired in their late 70s and their home was stuffed to the rafters with amazing antiques they’d discovered together. Eventually we learned that Uncle knew he was dying for a while but kept it a secret from everyone. He wanted to protect his beautiful wife, but finally had to speak up because a plan needed to be put in place for his wife, caregiver to the end.

Now, every time I write the word “caregiver” I wonder how much disdain that would cause Mrs. E. As I said, she is a fiercely independent lady, strong and healthy in spite of her years, but also capable and wise because of her years. She does not need a “caregiver.” In the end even she had to admit, however, she couldn’t live alone.

Retirement living was the perfect solution – a place Mrs. E could be independent but not isolated, close to her family but where she could have her own space and do her own thing, with help close at hand if she needed it. I proposed a suite that was laid out in a long, narrow pattern that I hoped would assist Mrs. E in feeling her way around her new home. This suite also had the benefit of a kitchenette so she could make herself snacks, and a patio so she could sit outside when the weather was just right. The crowning glory of this location was that it was directly across from the communal laundry room, she could continue to do her own laundry!

I quickly developed a deep respect and admiration for Mrs. E; I cared about her long before I met her. I was fascinated by the story of her life – born with vision that started to fail at a young age and gradually declined throughout her formative years, who found love and companionship with a good man, eventually becoming a business woman with a profound love for her work. Now, at this late stage of her life, she just found out that she was going to be all alone in the world within weeks. Can you imagine the range of emotions that must have put her through? Anger, sadness, fear; complete and utter heartbreak. It still makes my chest feel heavy to think about all these months later.

Do you know what lightens my chest, though? The conversation we had yesterday. Mrs. E telling me that she is okay. The house was finally sold and it is time to sign the papers soon. They had four estate sales to sell off her antiques. She is used to her surroundings now and has developed a new routine. She likes the people here; it is good to get to know new people again, and mealtimes were always interesting as they discussed their stories and day to day lives. Mrs. E told me she appreciates the assistance she’s gotten over the past several months but she is doing nearly everything independently again now, and while she will always mourn the loss of her dear husband, she is still alive and intent on living every day of her life.

Happy birthday, Grandma

Beverly Changethelens, Family, Life, Pics, Relationships, Work

January 2nd is always special to me; my dad’s mother was born on this day in 1896 and, although she’s been gone for nearly 26 years, she is still a part of my world every day.

Grandma was 75 when I was born and through her I grew up knowing that age is simply a number; that grey hair, wrinkles and hearing aids do not change who a person is inside. That understanding helped mould me into the person I am today and probably put me on the path to a career I absolutely love and cherish. I will always be thankful for the time I had her in my life.

When I was 17, Grandma came to visit for my sister’s wedding and I asked her if she would return for my wedding someday. She laughed and told me, no, she expected she’d be “pushing up daisies” by then. (In retrospect, it’s probably a good thing she didn’t wait around. Lol)

The other day my wonderful boyfriend brought me a colourful bouquet of my favourite flower… daisies. I think Grandma pushed them up just for me.

Thunder and lightening and love 

Beverly Family, Home, Life, Relationships

When I was a little girl, thunder and lightning storms were a big event for me. I lived in a small town that was built on a hill, and our house was perched at the top of the hill; we had an unobstructed view of a beautiful valley and never ending landscape of evergreen trees and open fields.

During thunder and lightning storms my dad would open our garage doors and set up a couple of lawn chairs. We would sit quietly, just me and him, and watch the tremendous show of nature’s vengeance and balance, bright flashes of light… count one… two… three… four… fi- then crashes of thunder echoing throughout Fox Valley.

I knew I should have been scared but I felt safe with my protector next to me, and free to let the excitement and adrenaline course through my body. Every now and then an especially loud BOOM would sound or bright flash would light up the sky and my dad would get this sparkle in his eyes. We’d look at each other, eyebrows raised, and smile in amazement before turning back to the show.

Nearly 40 years have passed and every time it storms I still feel the love, the connection. I feel safe and free and full of wonder.

Tonight I am sitting on a swing on the porch of a house I love as dearly as the house I grew up in. And every BOOM brings him back to me.

Not so wonderful granddaughter

Beverly Family, Life, Relationships, Senior health, Work

I love my grandmother. She is a strong woman who has been through a lot in her nearly-90 years. She takes it all in stride without complaint or excuse. She is no saint but, in this day and age, she’s about as close as one can get. But I have a confession to make (and it horrifies me to mention this publicly) – I didn’t call her during Christmas. For the very first time in my 44 years, I didn’t speak with my mother’s mother to wish her a happy season and tell her that I love her.

Yes, I was busy. Yes, I sent a gift. Yes, she had other relatives around her, but there is no valid excuse. I felt guilty about it from the get-go but I kept putting it off, putting it off. Yesterday I learned that my siblings also didn’t contact her and my heart broke in two.

I called her this morning and she was delighted. No attitude, no words of reproach, no judgement, she was just happy to hear from me. Which made me feel better, but kinda made me feel worse.

I’m telling you this for one reason: I get it. I’m no different than you, I get lost in my life and assume that the elderly person I love will be fine without me. But I work with seniors and see it every single day… the loneliness, the feeling of insignificance. I should know better.

This a large part of why I believe in the retirement lifestyle so strongly. Yes, it’s important to keep in touch with your grandmother, but it is also comforting to know that when you can’t, when life pulls you in all directions and best intentions get pushed aside, you can trust that she always has someone to talk to, to smile and ask about her day. There is someone to make sure she eats healthy and often; there is someone to make sure she isn’t hurting or taken advantage of; there is someone to pick her up when she falls. It’s not as good as a call from her grandchildren but it’s the next best thing.

Now, go call your grandmother. Tell her I said hi.